Despite my wife’s insistence that I focus on her honey-do list so I can stay off her s___list, I’m back with my annual Christmas List. However, this is no ordinary list. This year’s version will please my wife as it contains items that benefit the entire family. Additionally, Dads across the country can use this list as their own to benefit their families—and stay out of the dog house—during the holiday season.
CHRISTMAS LIST 2016
1) Lock Wallet – Though there’s virtually no money in there, it gives Dad the peace of mind his last $3 is safe. One black coffee and a banana coming up–just not at Starbucks, of course.
2) Night Vision Goggles (NVG) – Sure, this would be a cool gift for the Dad who loves to hunt. But more importantly, Dad no longer has to turn on the lights at 3 am in order to take that fourth and final pee of the night, thus waking the entire family. Also, Dad no longer has to hear, “you managed to pee everywhere but inside the bowl, again.” Nope, not this sharp-shooting Dad. Just remember to lift the toilet seat before firing away.
Alternatives to NVGs: Though you can’t take them on a hunting trip, they make great conversation pieces. And, like Rudolph on Christmas Eve, help guide the way!
- Motion activated Stairway Lights
- Motion-activated Toilet Bowl Light
3) Self-Driven Car- My kids could rest comfortably in the back of the car knowing they could fight or utter smart-ass remarks without retribution. But all that goes away with the self-driven car. I can hop in the back and get right in their grills. The added benefit is those tired phrases, “if I have to pull this car over,” and “If I have to come back there,” become a thing of the past.
4) Smart Refrigerator – Imagine watching a movie or TV show with the family and wondering if there are any drinks or snacks in the fridge. Wonder no more. The smart fridge lets you peek inside your fridge using your phone. Unfortunately, you still have to draw straws to decide who has to actually get their fat, lazy butt off the couch and get the snacks. But you can’t have everything…..unless you get the next item in the list.
5) – Beer Bringing Bot – This robot can bring you a beer, bake cookies, and flip pancakes. One TINY catch—it costs $400,000, which makes that Lock Wallet even more valuable.
My apologies for posting this so late. The good news is you have an entire year to work up the nerve to beg (plead, cry) for that Self-Driven Tesla. Happy Holidays everyone!