The Big 5-0

A couple of months ago, I turned the BIG 50. I decided before writing about it I’d let some time pass. During the ensuing weeks, I reflected on my life, my accomplishments and this momentous occasion. And after much contemplation, I can tell you…it sucks worse than I thought. Holy crap, just awful. What did I do to deserve this? Is 50 the age ear hair starts forming? Is this the stinkin’ age people start telling me that I don’t look older, I look more distinguished? But seriously, as if I had a choice, I did find several reasons it’s okay to turn 50:

1) I’m not 60.
2) AARP – woohoo, discounts!
3) Everyone keeps welcoming me to The Club. Not sure it’s a club I want to be part of, but at least I’m welcome somewhere.
4) 1 year closer to retirement.
5) New reasons to take off from work—colonoscopies, endoscopies, etc. Okay, you’re getting a camera shoved up your keister but beggars can’t be choosers.
6) People treat you with respect and call you sir or madam—at least to your face.
7) Naps are not only okay, they are encouraged.
8) People assume you have a certain amount of wisdom. You know what happens you assume?
9) I can finally use the famous “back in my day” expressions such as: “Back in my day, we had it tough—we only had 4 channels (5 with tinfoil wrapped on the edge of the antenna), and had no remote control.” Rough times.

But the best reason: I have a job, a roof over my head, my health, and my family. If I can just catch a few naps and watch the New York Jets win a Super Bowl (please, if the Football Gods are listening), my life is complete.

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Over the last few months, I’ve picked up a new gig – joke writer.  I’ve been writing current events jokes for Perret’s Humor Files. The site is run by former Emmy-award winning comedy writer, Gene Perret, and his daughter, Linda, also a professional comedy writer. Jokes are updated monthly. You’ll see my jokes and the jokes from other writers on the home page. Check it out!

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Dad’s Christmas List 2016

Despite my wife’s insistence that I focus on her honey-do list so I can stay off her s___list, I’m back with my annual Christmas List. However, this is no ordinary list. This year’s version will please my wife as it contains items that benefit the entire family. Additionally, Dads across the country can use this list as their own to benefit their families—and stay out of the dog house—during the holiday season.


1) Lock Wallet – Though there’s virtually no money in there, it gives Dad the peace of mind his last $3 is safe. One black coffee and a banana coming up–just not at Starbucks, of course.

2) Night Vision Goggles (NVG) – Sure, this would be a cool gift for the Dad who loves to hunt. But more importantly, Dad no longer  has to turn on the lights at 3 am in order to take that fourth and final pee of the night, thus waking the entire family. Also, Dad no longer has to hear, “you managed to pee everywhere but inside the bowl, again.” Nope, not this sharp-shooting Dad. Just remember to lift the toilet seat before firing away.

Alternatives to NVGs: Though you can’t take them on a hunting trip, they make great conversation pieces. And, like Rudolph on Christmas Eve, help guide the way!

  • Motion activated Stairway Lights
  • Motion-activated Toilet Bowl Light

3) Self-Driven Car- My kids could rest comfortably in the back of the car knowing they could fight or utter smart-ass remarks without retribution. But all that goes away with the self-driven car. I can hop in the back and get right in their grills.  The added benefit is those tired phrases, “if I have to pull this car over,” and “If I have to come back there,” become a thing of the past.

4) Smart Refrigerator – Imagine watching a movie or TV show with the family and wondering if there are any drinks or snacks in the fridge. Wonder no more. The smart fridge lets you peek inside your fridge using your phone. Unfortunately, you still have to draw straws to decide who has to actually get their fat, lazy butt off the couch and get the snacks. But you can’t have everything…..unless you get  the next item in the list.

5) – Beer Bringing Bot – This robot can bring you a beer, bake cookies, and flip pancakes. One TINY catch—it costs $400,000, which makes that Lock Wallet even more valuable.

My apologies for posting this so late. The good news is you have an entire year to work up the nerve to beg (plead, cry) for that Self-Driven Tesla. Happy Holidays everyone!

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Tippy Talk Radio Interview

On December 30th, I had the pleasure of appearing on Tippy Talk radio–Books I Love . Please check it out when you have a moment:

Happy New Year!

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The Christmas Wish

This year I vowed I was going to get something for Christmas. Something great.

To clarify, I do get gifts for Christmas. Money. A sweater. Underwear. Socks. An electric screwdriver. Things I need and use.

But it’s the kids that get the incredible gifts—the ones they’ve stayed up countless nights dreaming about. The ones they don’t need but satisfy their every whim and desire.

This year I want something I don’t need and will only use twice before it sits in a corner collecting dust but is a conversation piece and the envy of every underwear-receiving Dad on the damn block.

“Did you hear what Brad got for Christmas?” my neighbor will say to his wife. “A home-brew kit. He can make his own beer.”

She’ll respond in a sardonic tone, “We have a refrigerator. It has beer in it. You can use that label maker that’s still sitting in the box from two Christmases ago, slap a label with your name on it and, voilà, home-brew kit.”

While my neighbor murmurs “smartass,” and frustratingly contemplates the color of his new socks and whether he’s getting Hanes or Fruit of the Loom, I’ll be whistling a different tune because I’ll be receiving one of these babies:

1) Smart key – The perfect gadget for me, the guy who always loses his keys.
2) Flir One Infrared Camera – This beauty attaches to my iPhone and takes incredible infrared pictures…of what, I have no clue.
3) Motorized tie rack – A fantastic conversation piece. “Hey, remember those achy arms and shoulders I’d get from reaching over and grabbing my OWN tie? Well, reach no more! Observe, the motorized tie rack!”
4) Garmin Fish Finder – I couldn’t catch a fish if my life depended on it. But now I can at least find a fish. I can then alert other fishermen while I untangle my fishing line and say “Ooh” as they reel it in.

In sum, I’d lose the smart key, find no practical use for an infrared camera or a motorized tie rack, and can’t fish, which, unfortunately, means it’s socks again. It’s nice to dream.


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How Not to Parent Book Trailer

Better late than never but a book trailer was done a few months back for How Not to Parent. Check it out!

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Hitting the Interview Circuit!

Recently, I had the privilege to appear on the Erskine syndicated radio show to discuss my book. To listen to the interview:
go to Scroll down to the interview – 3/30/13

OR in ITunes, download the 3/31/13 GCN erskine overnight podcast.

I’ve also been interviewed by The Brooklyn Eagle newspaper:’s-book-reveals-‘how-not-parent’-2013-04-02-003000

And on the Web:

By the way, if you’re in NYC, you can pick up How Not to Parent at The Bookmark Shoppe in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

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