Over the last few months, I’ve picked up a new gig – joke writer. I’ve been writing current events jokes for Perrets’ Humor Files. http://jokecrafters.com/. The site is run by former Emmy-award winning comedy writer, Gene Perret, and his daughter, Linda, also a professional comedy writer. Jokes are updated monthly. You’ll see my jokes and the jokes from other writers on the home page. Check it out!
Despite my wife’s insistence that I focus on her honey-do list so I can stay off her s___list, I’m back with my annual Christmas List. However, this is no ordinary list. This year’s version will please my wife as it contains items that benefit the entire family. Additionally, Dads across the country can use this list as their own to benefit their families—and stay out of the dog house—during the holiday season.
CHRISTMAS LIST 2016
1) Lock Wallet – Though there’s virtually no money in there, it gives Dad the peace of mind his last $3 is safe. One black coffee and a banana coming up–just not at Starbucks, of course.
2) Night Vision Goggles (NVG) – Sure, this would be a cool gift for the Dad who loves to hunt. But more importantly, Dad no longer has to turn on the lights at 3 am in order to take that fourth and final pee of the night, thus waking the entire family. Also, Dad no longer has to hear, “you managed to pee everywhere but inside the bowl, again.” Nope, not this sharp-shooting Dad. Just remember to lift the toilet seat before firing away.
Alternatives to NVGs: Though you can’t take them on a hunting trip, they make great conversation pieces. And, like Rudolph on Christmas Eve, help guide the way!
- Motion activated Stairway Lights
- Motion-activated Toilet Bowl Light
3) Self-Driven Car- My kids could rest comfortably in the back of the car knowing they could fight or utter smart-ass remarks without retribution. But all that goes away with the self-driven car. I can hop in the back and get right in their grills. The added benefit is those tired phrases, “if I have to pull this car over,” and “If I have to come back there,” become a thing of the past.
4) Smart Refrigerator – Imagine watching a movie or TV show with the family and wondering if there are any drinks or snacks in the fridge. Wonder no more. The smart fridge lets you peek inside your fridge using your phone. Unfortunately, you still have to draw straws to decide who has to actually get their fat, lazy butt off the couch and get the snacks. But you can’t have everything…..unless you get the next item in the list.
5) – Beer Bringing Bot – This robot can bring you a beer, bake cookies, and flip pancakes. One TINY catch—it costs $400,000, which makes that Lock Wallet even more valuable.
My apologies for posting this so late. The good news is you have an entire year to work up the nerve to beg (plead, cry) for that Self-Driven Tesla. Happy Holidays everyone!
On December 30th, I had the pleasure of appearing on Tippy Talk radio–Books I Love . Please check it out when you have a moment: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/booksilove/2015/12/30/how-not-to-parent
Happy New Year!
This year I vowed I was going to get something for Christmas. Something great.
To clarify, I do get gifts for Christmas. Money. A sweater. Underwear. Socks. An electric screwdriver. Things I need and use.
But it’s the kids that get the incredible gifts—the ones they’ve stayed up countless nights dreaming about. The ones they don’t need but satisfy their every whim and desire.
This year I want something I don’t need and will only use twice before it sits in a corner collecting dust but is a conversation piece and the envy of every underwear-receiving Dad on the damn block.
“Did you hear what Brad got for Christmas?” my neighbor will say to his wife. “A home-brew kit. He can make his own beer.”
She’ll respond in a sardonic tone, “We have a refrigerator. It has beer in it. You can use that label maker that’s still sitting in the box from two Christmases ago, slap a label with your name on it and, voilà, home-brew kit.”
While my neighbor murmurs “smartass,” and frustratingly contemplates the color of his new socks and whether he’s getting Hanes or Fruit of the Loom, I’ll be whistling a different tune because I’ll be receiving one of these babies:
1) Smart key – The perfect gadget for me, the guy who always loses his keys.
2) Flir One Infrared Camera – This beauty attaches to my iPhone and takes incredible infrared pictures…of what, I have no clue.
3) Motorized tie rack – A fantastic conversation piece. “Hey, remember those achy arms and shoulders I’d get from reaching over and grabbing my OWN tie? Well, reach no more! Observe, the motorized tie rack!”
4) Garmin Fish Finder – I couldn’t catch a fish if my life depended on it. But now I can at least find a fish. I can then alert other fishermen while I untangle my fishing line and say “Ooh” as they reel it in.
In sum, I’d lose the smart key, find no practical use for an infrared camera or a motorized tie rack, and can’t fish, which, unfortunately, means it’s socks again. It’s nice to dream.
Better late than never but a book trailer was done a few months back for How Not to Parent. Check it out!
Recently, I had the privilege to appear on the Erskine syndicated radio show to discuss my book. To listen to the interview:
go to http://www.erskineonradio.com/archives/archives.html. Scroll down to the interview – 3/30/13
OR in ITunes, download the 3/31/13 GCN erskine overnight podcast.
I’ve also been interviewed by The Brooklyn Eagle newspaper:
And on the Web:
By the way, if you’re in NYC, you can pick up How Not to Parent at The Bookmark Shoppe in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.
A couple of years ago, I got an opportunity to be a showcase reader for the Dimestories New York kick off event in Brooklyn. I read one of my favorite pieces, “Boys Will be Boys,” which is featured in How Not to Parent. Finally, the reading is available here on the blog: BManzo_Boys_Will_Be_Boys.