Move over, Spider-Man, there is a new superhero in town, Shadow Hare. Well, maybe not in my town, but in Cincinnati, Ohio where a 21-year-old man, simply known as Shadow Hare, wears a cape and fights crime. I’m not making this up. You can check out his Myspace page. And he’s not alone. He’s a member of the Allegiance of Super Heroes (www.worldsuperheroregistry.com).
No one knows the true identity of Shadow Hare or his fellow superheroes—and most don’t want to—only that they meet in a clandestine place each week to discuss matters of world safety, that is, until Shadow Hare‘s mom breaks up the meeting.
“Shadow Hare, would you and your little superhero friends like a snack?”
“Mom, we’re solving matters of world security.”
“On an empty stomach?”
But enough about Shadow Hare (and his mom). All this superhero talk has me wondering what kind of superhero I’d be. Unfortunately, I’m not courageous or a respected leader such as Superman or Batman. I can’t even control my own son.
For example, the other day my son and I were in a public restroom with just one toilet. After he went, it was my turn. However, as soon as I started to go, he ran out of the bathroom.
With my pants around my ankles, I shuffled to the bathroom door.
“CJ, get back here right now!” I said gritting my teeth.
I was desperate and annoyed.
“That’s it, no more play dates. No more Wii…ever!”
“Okay.” He came back in slowly, holding back the crocodile tears.
I may not be a great leader, but I’m a good negotiator in a pinch.
Aside from being respected (or, in my case, disrespected), every superhero needs the essentials—a costume. Generally, superheroes make their own costumes and are secretly tailors as well as crime fighters. (At least they are in the movies.) Unfortunately, I’m not a tailor. I can’t iron a shirt much less sew an entire outfit complete with cape and mask. Additionally, I’m color-blind so I’d be the first superhero who’s not color-coordinated and needs a makeover.
A superhero must also possess special powers. I don’t have any special powers but I do have one unique talent. When I hurt myself (which is often), I hurl a stream of obscenities that would make a sailor blush. Amazingly, as my wife will attest, I use the same curses each time and in the same order. I’m not certain but I think this may have some value akin to Aquaman summoning the sea creatures. I’ll bet Shadow hare can’t do that.
Since I have no special powers like flying or shooting webs, I’ll need a tricked out car like the Batmobile to help catch criminals. Unfortunately, I don’t have a bat lair where I can work on the car—much less a garage or a driveway—so I’ll have to call that MTV show, Pimp My Ride, where the pimpologists will be tasked with pimping my minivan. By the end of the show, I still may not able to catch criminals but I’ll have the only minivan on the block that bounces up and down and has a Playstation in the trunk.
To recap, I’m not a great leader of men but a decent blackmailer of kids. I don’t have a costume or the ability to make one. I possess no special powers and I drive a minivan. Therefore, I’m Super Dad. When the bad guys arrive, I’ll probably be in the bathroom. Shadow Hare, give me a call.
Copyright © 2009, Brad Manzo