Every day it seems another new cell phone hits the market and each one is more powerful and amazing than the next. They take pictures and video, download and play music, access the Internet at lightning speeds, broadcast live TV, put your kids to sleep, make a pot roast, put your kids back to sleep, make Republicans and Democrats agree, and hit 500 foot home runs without the use of steroids.
Some aren’t that great at making phone calls, but, unless you’re at the movies, no one uses a cell phone to make phone calls anyway. It’s all about the cool features and the apps.
Each of these phones comes with thousands of available applications (i.e., apps) to make our lives easier and make us more anti-social as everyone has their heads down searching their phones for new apps. And there are some great apps. There are apps that can turn off the lights in your house, set a recording on your TV, and track flights in real-time. There are also apps for color-blind people and apps that help you shop.
Even if you don’t have a clue how to actually use any of your high-tech apps, they’re great conversation starters. Just open your cell phone and instantly lie to your friends about how fantastic these apps are through a myriad of high-tech ways—text, chat, Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, blog, etc.
It seems there’s nothing these phones can’t do. If you want to improve your golf game or you need help grilling a steak, there are apps for these things, too. If your golf swing is still god-awful or you accidentally burn that steak, don’t smash those clubs or throw that steak at the dog’s head; there are plenty of stress-relieving apps available (as long as you have service, of course).
Despite all these great apps, there are no apps for the regular guy. For example, there are GPS apps that can tell you exactly where you are in the world yet there is no app to tell you know when the bathroom in your house is free. This is vital information.
How about an app that tells you when your fly is open? I’d like some sort of alert or appropriate song to notify me as I’m leaving the bathroom. Otherwise, I risk looking like a pervert as I’m adjusting my fly on the street.
These are apps I could really use.
If my wife is mad at me and I don’t know why, I’d love an app to clue me in.
“You really have no idea why I’m mad at you?”
“Yeah, you really have no idea why Mommy is mad at you?” my daughter chimes in with her hands on her hips.
With the Why is my wife made at me? app, I could instantly turn an ugly situation into a positive one. This is an app men everywhere could utilize.
After making up with my wife, I may want to romance her and throw on some cologne. However, how much cologne is too much? Or, what if I’m the only person on the planet still using that type of cologne? I want to know. An app that provides this information in a subtle way would be helpful.
For example, a message in my daughter’s voice saying, “Daddy, are you kidding? Grandpa doesn’t even use that cologne,” would get the point across nicely.
Hopefully, somebody will develop these regular guy apps soon. Until then, I’ll have to pray for an available bathroom and use my cell phone to cover my fly when it’s open. Who knows—I may even use my cell phone to make a call.
Copyright © 2010, Brad Manzo
Brad Manzo - Writer and Humorist 