Don’t Try This at Home

Whenever I’m watching TV and hear, “don’t try this at home,” I chuckle. Who’d be dumb enough to try that? For example, during broadcasts of professional wrestling when one guy is slamming another guy over the head with a ladder or chair, who’d actually do that at home?

I guess this message is geared for kids, and rightly so. However, I suppose there’s an adult out there contemplating picking up a kitchen chair and smacking his pal over the head with it until he hears that message. Then the brain surgeon realizes the error of his ways and drops the chair.

Or maybe not.

Regardless, you don’t have to worry about me trying this at home. I’m not the guy who watches Shaun White snowboard in the Olympics and says, “That was amazing; I have to learn how to snowboard.” I’m the guy who watches Shaun White then says “We need to get this for the Wii,” and, “My back and knees hurt just watching this.” And, as my wife would likely add, “Brad, you can’t even get on a snowboard.”

She’s probably right. However, that’s not to say that I’m not active or fun. I run, bike, swim, roller blade, run with scissors, play ball, and wrestle with the kids (sans the chairs and ladders). It’s just that I like my bones where they are. Any sport that starts with the word extreme or requires a message telling you not to try this at home is immediately off of my list of sports to try.

However, my list doesn’t stop there. There are many other sports I’d never try. First, anything with the word bull in the title—bull riding, bull fighting, and running with the bulls—is a no-no. Other than losing a bet or being in a drunken stupor, why anyone would want to tangle with a 1,000 pound animal is beyond me.

If messing with large steer isn’t crazy enough, how about racing motorcycles on ice? I’m not sure about you but I try to avoid the ice when driving, not race on it. And, as my wife would quickly point out, “Brad, you can’t even ride a motorcycle.” She’s right though I once rode a motorized scooter at the breakneck speed of 30 miles per hour.

Then there’s a whole series of bizarre sports that are most likely practiced as a result of head injuries suffered from racing motorcycles on ice. In Finland, there’s wife carrying in which husbands throw their wives on their backs and race through an obstacle course to marital glory. If this sport was called wife dropping, then I might be interested as I’d be a natural.

In places such as Afghanistan, they play a sport that’s truly meant for Youtube, Buzkashi. Buzkashi involves teams of men on horseback fighting for a goat carcass. The winning team successfully fends off the other teams’ violent attacks and throws the carcass into a tub. The only comparable thing I can think of in America is people vying for the last item on sale on Black Friday.

Despite the fact that I don’t partake in Buzkashi, skydiving, or bullfighting, who says I don’t live on the wild side? I coach 4-year-old soccer, wrestle my kids after feeding them sugar, and lend my wife the credit card to go shopping. Now that’s extreme.

Copyright © 2009, Brad Manzo

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1 Comment

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One response to “Don’t Try This at Home

  1. Audrey

    Hey Brad –
    You are a very funny man.
    Thanks for keeping me laughing.
    Audrey

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