Move Over, iPhone

Several months ago, much to my wife’s dismay, I announced that I had a new love in my life—my iPhone. However, I’m re-evaluating my relationship with my iPhone as I’ve found an even better, sexier piece of technology—the Digital Video Recorder.

The DVR has transformed my life in so many ways. For example, I can now pause live TV to break up fights between the kids, thus becoming a better parent.

Lexy and CJ stood about three feet away from me, ready to square off. I paused the show we were watching.

“Hon, the kids are fighting.” I yelled to my wife.

“Can you do something about it? I’m getting dressed.”

For once I was going to step up and handle the situation. I can do this, I said to myself.

Angrily, I stared down the kids. “Stop fighting right now!”

As I rarely raise my voice, the kids stopped what they were doing and stood in disbelief.

I was on a roll. “That’s right. Don’t you dare touch each other or no TV for the rest of the day. Do you understand me?” I screamed.

Both kids looked at me then started bawling. Before I could say anything they ran to Mom screaming in terror.

“What did you do to these kids? What the hell is wrong with you?”

The kids and I can also pause TV to go to the bathroom and never miss a second of our favorite shows.

“Gotta pee, Dad,” CJ said holding himself.

“Go ahead, I’ll pause the show.”

But he couldn’t pull himself away from the TV and just stood there fighting off the urge to pee with all his might.

I was uncomfortable watching him squirm and paused the show. “Go to the bathroom already.”

He raced to the bathroom and he and I were both relieved.

And for those times when you know it’s going to be a while, you can pause a show for up to an hour.

“Get out of the bathroom, Dad. You’re taking forever,” CJ said.

“Daddy, we’re going to unpause it,” Lexy added.

“Don’t do it. You’ll be sorry.”

Lexy knew I was I in no position to do a thing. “I’m unpausing it.”

I flushed the toilet and jiggled the door handle to pretend I was coming out. I stamped my feet for added effect.

“He’s coming, he’s coming,” I heard them whisper.

“That show better be paused.” And it was. Thankfully, at 8 and 5, they still can’t figure out when I’m bluffing.
Additionally, pausing a show is so simple even the kids can do it, which has benefits—less work for me—and downside—“Dad, I’ll pause the Super Bowl so we can play Wii.”

But probably the best feature the DVR offers is the ability to watch a previously recorded show, and record two other shows at the same time. Are there that many good shows on at on one time that I need this option? Of course not, but since when does that matter? I just want that option in case three good shows ever air at the same time and I actually have a life and the free time to watch them.

All these great benefits make me wonder how I ever lived without the DVR. Sorry iPhone, unless you can do something miraculous, like make the Mets win, I’ve found my new significant other. Just don’t tell my wife.

Copyright © 2010, Brad Manzo

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Move Over, iPhone

  1. Linda

    Sooooo true!!!!!!

  2. Audrey

    I now know you can’t separate a man from his electronic toys!

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